Before Mercy Found Me

Before I knew God I was unfulfilled, unsatisfied and constantly searching for love, acceptance and a “happily ever after”. I knew something was missing in my life, but at the time I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that I was able to find some semblance of it and a bit of satisfaction and fulfillment in relationships. Even if only for a short amount of time, the newness of a relationship and the way it made me feel was enough to quench my thirst, if only temporarily.

A new relationship is hopeful. At the start you always have the hope that this might be “the one” and the answer that you’ve been searching for. You hope that everything is complete, everything is safe and the future is settled. A new relationship gives you hope that you finally have a direction in life and can plan for the future. Hope for something to go your way and something to be good in your life forever. Hope for forever-happiness and fulfillment will always be there and never cease. The beginning of a relationship is almost, as one would describe an addiction or a high. The feelings are amazing at first…

And then, in every relationship, the darkness creeps in. Those same, recurring feelings of unhappiness, unsatisfaction, unworthiness, boredom and lost hope. Some thing in me would realize that it was just not right. That feeling that I was searching so hard to find, the ability to feel whole and complete and happy, would disappear. It was gone. And so, I did the only thing that helped, I searched for that feeling again. And in the process I hurt countless people. I jumped around, seeking and searching for that feeling of wholeness and perfection – for happiness that would never last.

In the process, I neglected relationships with friends who were a source of comfort and support, who were solid rocks for me. We grew distant and eventually, my need for a relationship overtook any need for friendship and those friendships disappeared and fell to the wayside, broken and unmendable.

When I moved to Colorado Springs, instead of using relationships to find that feeling, I went through countless career searches, job searches and daydreams about what I would achieve in my life. I applied to several jobs that I felt qualified for and was turned down for each and every one. I bought the expensive clothes, purchased a car and tried to live the life I felt I was entitled to, because I “believed in myself”. I replaced the need for a relationship, with the need for a career “to be proud of”. I searched and searched for something that would look good to others and something that I thought I would enjoy.

And in the end, that search for wholeness, for the need to matter, for a purpose in life and for happiness, left me broken and with overpowering feelings of unworthiness, unhappiness and hopelessness. I felt as though I was destined to wait tables for the rest of my life. I began to believe I was inferior and incapable of anything and I was destined for a life of mediocrity. So I accepted that. I accepted my life of mediocrity, where I was deemed unworthy of a fulfilling job and career and unworthy of a purpose in life…

And then I felt God, reaching into my life…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Please enter your name, email and a comment.